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Hotness is a state of mind

May 3. 2010

Happy Monday, Hotties!

Today I woke up in a much better mood yesterday – naturally, and a half hour before my alarm.  I heard the rain on my windowsill – I love the sound of rain if not so much the soggy city I’m about to have to go tromping through.  I got out of bed, did some light stretching and yoga, got ready for the day.

Something has changed in my life.  As sure as the day you wake up, walk outside, and simply know summer has arrived, I know something has changed.  I feel different.  Not like a different person, but rather simply a person who feels differently about herself, someone who looks in the mirror and sees the beauty before the flaws instead of the other way around.

In fact, I’m feeling so much differently about myself today that I actually didn’t take my usual once-over glance in the mirror before I ran out the door.  If I had, I would have noticed a major lapse in my usual grooming routine.

You see, my friends, I left my house today without wearing any eyeliner.

I do not wear a lot of makeup, but since my freshman year of college, I haven’t been able to walk out the door without having eyeliner on.  Black, a thin line on the upper and lower lids.  Subtle, to enhance my eyes, which have always been a favorite feature of mine, even when I didn’t like anything else about myself.  I noticed it’s absence while babysitting, glancing in the mirror over the sink as I washed my hands in the bathroom.  And yes, I was shocked.  For a minute, I panicked and wondered if I had any eyeliner in my purse, but then one of the kids called and I didn’t have time to think about it again.

I have to admit, in the days since I’ve launched Happy Healthy Hottie, I feel significantly different about myself.  It’s all about perception, I guess.  It’s one thing to think I’m hot.  It’s another thing entirely to announce to anyone who wanders onto my blog that I’m narcissistic enough to actually identify myself as such.  Especially since I made it my business throughout five years of undergraduate studies to prove, without a doubt, that I’m more than just a pretty face. But screw it.  The fact is, being able to own up to who I am, mentally and physically, being able to love myself for everything I am, is what makes me confident, is what makes me hot.

I do not care what you look like – if you walk with purpose, direction, even if you have no clue where you are going, you are hot.  I am utterly enamored with the differences in people, and everybody has something uniquely beautiful about them.  It’s simply a matter of finding out where you want to go, and going.  When I was struggling from the worst bouts of depression and disordered eating, I know I was reacting to a sense of indirection and lack of control in my life  — I know because, if you read my old blog, I wrote it (you don’t have to look, you can take my word for it).  Incidentally, when I started that blog, I wasn’t even secure enough in myself to call myself by my own first name.  I’ve experienced this before, the want to hide under another identity, and I know it’s because I was unhappy with who I perceived myself to be.  I didn’t want people to look at me, I wanted people to look at who I wanted to be.

Hotness is a state of mind.  It’s looking in the mirror in the morning and telling yourself, “I am a powerful, intelligent, capable person.  I deserve to be happy and I deserve to like myself.”

I cannot control how the world sees me.  I can only make sure that when I see myself, I am satisfied.  This is me, without eyeliner, a way I rarely allow myself to be seen.  But this is me, no masks, no covers, no lies.  I am far from perfect and I am satisfied.

And now, my amazing friends who have been more support and help to me than you know, I invite you to please tell me about yourself. Or show me a picture that you believe is the real you.  I want to see you.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. May 3. 2010 9.20 pm

    “I cannot control how the world sees me. I can only make sure that when I see myself, I am satisfied.”

    I completely agree – it took me a really long time to appreciate myself for who I really am – inside and out. I am a smart, capable, strong (and hot, dammit!) woman who is achieving all of her goals! Okay – maybe I’m not achieving them in the most conventional way…but I am…and that’s all that matters to me! 🙂

  2. May 3. 2010 11.03 pm

    you’re such an insightful person.

    lately ive found myself not even worrying about putting even the smallest amount of foundation on. i am comfortable in my skin!

  3. May 4. 2010 2.32 am

    Hi my sweets, short comment but glad you made the protein/granola bars and that the coconut oil is a newfound friend…me too!

    love you honey, have super day!

  4. May 4. 2010 2.33 am

    i adore your new spirit and aura on this blog SO MUCH.. the side of you that was itching to come out, did. amen.

    good luck at yoga btw!!!!!!

    • May 4. 2010 8.14 am

      Thank you SO MUCH Averie! Your support and inspiration means so much to me!

  5. lowandbhold permalink
    May 4. 2010 8.35 am

    I love the message here. You definitely should call yourself hot, not just because you ARE, but because you deserve to!

    I have noticed huge changes in the way I see myself since I started blogging as well. It’s a beautiful thing.

  6. May 4. 2010 9.06 am

    Way to sport the confidence! There’s nothing hotter than a girl who holds her head high and doesn’t hide behind insecurities.

    • May 4. 2010 3.03 pm

      Hell yeah! And thanks for checking out my blog 🙂

  7. May 4. 2010 11.54 am

    I can see that change you feel, too 🙂 It’s amazing how far you’ve come and how confident you are! I used to obsess over my appearance before leaving the house, and I’ve realized lately that I’m the only one who cares if I have greasy hair in class. As long as I’m okay with it, screw anyone who isn’t.

    Hope you have an amazing day girl! xoxo

  8. May 4. 2010 1.36 pm

    I have a friend who is the same way with eyeliner! She has dark hair and features too so maybe thats why. I have blonde eyelashes and eyebrows so if I just wore eyeliner without mascara I would look ridiculous!

  9. May 4. 2010 4.33 pm

    I”ve missed your posts and your wonderingful comments…so glad to see your new site!

    You are really gorgeous. You remind me of Shakira or Eva Mendes. Love your look, with or without the eyeliner.

    I had no idea that you struggled with depression because you always seem so positive and happy to me. But I’m glad you have a new site going and I’m thrilled you feel like a new person. Good for you!!

  10. May 5. 2010 9.04 am

    Hi Sweetie. Love the new site’s vibe and that you are truly coming into your own. It can be a long road. I know, I’ve had my share of ups and downs and long stretches of not believing in myself. All that jazz. But like one of my Yoga teachers says, “Sometimes we have to breath through the pain. Push through it and see what’s on the other side of the discomfort.” It sounds like you’re doing just that, and I commend you.

    Oh, and I added you to my blogroll, dear. Here:

    Have a great day. Can’t wait to have you in class soon!



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